Don't Tell The Joneses
by The-MarmaladeCat1
Summary: Dante & Vergil - the day they realised they didn't have much in common with their neighbours at all.  Set post-DMC3, a long time after.


**AN:-** Set post-DMC3. Alt history where Dante and Vergil have set up shop together, albeit reluctantly.

* * *

Vergil had an apartment in the better part of the city, one that Dante had never seen and had never thought that he would _get_ to see either. But the clamouring demon armies of Hell weren't really choosy when it came to how or when they tried to ambush the famous Sparda twins, certainly not these days with Vergil "going straight" (or at least as less like crooked as can be expected of a child of one of the Dukes of Hell). These days the street ambushes were becoming more frequent and even Vergil was starting to show the strain of constant assault by the unwashed masses of the lower circles.

"This is nice. Stylish," said Dante, rocking back on his heels and taking a look around.

"Don't rest the sword on the floor, you're burning a hole in the carpet," Vergil replied acidly as he fished his keys from his pocket.

"Uh huh, yeah. Sorry."

The sword was dutifully lifted and the charred spot scuffed at with a toe, spreading burnt carpet filaments in a wider circle around the new hole. "Heh, see this is why I won't let Trish get carpets."

"Don't lean on the wall, this isn't a bar, and don't lean that damned mannequin there either!"

"Hey hey..." Dante protested as Vergil turned and hauled him roughly upright with a fist wrapped in the collar of his coat. "Get on with it and open the damned door then, Verge, or are we gonna stand out here in the hallway and admire the fittings all night?"

It had been a long night, full of possessed marionettes, surprise attacks in darkened alleys and a new type of demonspawn that neither of them had seen before, one with stinking, viscous blood that burned everything it touched and gave off a stench like rotting flesh.

Vergil scowled, post-battle patience wearing dangerously thin and yanked his brother closer. "I have put up with you dragging me halfway across the damned city on some frivolous whim without complaint. I have let you lead me into an ambush in the middle of the filthiest backstreet of the trash can of a block you call home just so that I could silence the sound of your pathetic whining for one, blissful minute. Now, if you'd silence yourself for one second more, I will unlock these doors and then I am going to go inside and you-" he stressed his words with a shove of his fist that pinned Dante to the wall with a thump and elicited a wheezing breath of laughter from his brother. "-_you_ are going to stand where I tell you, and you are not going to move, and you are going to shut the _hell_ up and you are _never_ going to call me _Verge_ ever ag-"

"Good evening, Mister Alighieri...I do hope that everything's all right...?"

Both brothers paused, faces turning to the owner of the voice. Dante found himself being suddenly released, his heels touching the ground again with a thump. Beside him, Vergil moved his hand to rest on his brother's arm instead of at his throat, a polite smile on his face.

"Good evening, Ms Pearswin. I hope we haven't disturbed you."

Ms Pearswin blinked over her half lens glasses and clutched her purse tightly. She was a short, grey-haired old woman with a fur ruffed coat and expensive looking leather gloves. At this moment she was looking the two brothers over with stern interest. Too polite to look openly disapproving, her eyes nonetheless took in every detail of the scene just over from her front door, from the ragged holes in the brother's coats where acidic demon blood had spilled on them, across the faintly glowing claymore and the katana, to the somewhat singed adult-sized wooden puppet that Dante had brought home as a trophy. Dante grinned and nodded as she looked him up and down until finally her gaze returned to his face. "Evening, sweethe-oof!"

Vergil glared at his brother and Dante gave him a hurt look, rubbing at his ribs. Ms Pearswin raised one eyebrow.

"I do apologize if we've disturbed you," Vergil cut in smoothly. "We were just transporting these props home for storage."

"I see, your amateur dramatics society is putting on another production is it?" she said, coolly ignoring Dante.

"That's correct," Vergil smiled.

"Very...realistic, aren't they?"

"Lady, you have no i-"

There was an audible crunch as the metal-shod heel of Vergil's boot found the side of his brother's foot.

"Sorry, Dante. Yes, they are. We have them specially made and imported from overseas. In fact, I'm waiting for a call from our suppliers this evening, so if you'll excuse us..?"

"Of course..."

At her polite nod Vergil bowed his head and Dante threw her a wink, mostly for his brother's sake. Vergil returned to prising open the intricate magical locks on his front door, trying to make the act look as though it were completely normal and silently thanking Whoever was listening that he'd had the foresight to install something that didn't require a blood sacrifice.

Perhaps one of the luck devils had finally decided to play along with them, for the door opened without needing to be Commanded, and with a final polite nod to his watching neighbour who was...still watching...Vergil turned to find Dante happily reloading his guns with explosive ammo. To his credit, he did not swear. Nor did he hit the other man. He simply grabbed his brother by the collar of his coat and hauled him through the door ahead of him. After a moment's pause he went back and threw the puppet in after him.

Then, with a final nod to his most fascinated neighbour, he stepped inside his apartment and closed, and locked, and warded the door behind him. As soon as the door was shut, Vergil leaned back on it, closing his eyes as though the very weight of the world was his to bear alone. And perhaps it was.

The last thing _Ms Pearswin_ heard as the door slammed shut were words whose implications she didn't think she really wanted to investigate.

"Alighieri? Are you kidding me, man?"

"Shut _up_, Dante!"


End file.
